Sunday, January 12, 2014

30 minutes in.....

So its January 1st 2014. I ws expecting for my new year to start in a different way but im sitting here watching the “boyfriend” is sitting here play games with his boys. This whole weekend I was expecting something else but I guess I can’t really complain because at least im getting to spend time with him. Even though im bored kind of I just love being able to spend time with him because I know our time together is always rare and few. I just wish we could’ve been able to have a nice night together like we did the first time we were together. But I guess beggars cant be choosers.

Is there a point when you realize some things that just irritate THEE entire fuck out of you about your mate? Man right now im noticing little things that just nag the shit out of me. Like he’s always saying ‘cuz and repeating himself and it’s like ok we get it! So just stop!!! I be wanting to say stuff but I just keep it to myself because some people are hella sensitive and when I tell them things they just can’t handle it like I would. Sometimes I think that he’s one of them. Like I feel like when I say stuff to him he’s takes EVERYTHING to heart and I be like wtf?! Why can’t I just say something without you getting in your feelings about everything?

Idk im just real simple and straight to the point with mine and I guess some people aren’t or at least they pretend to be but when it comes back to them they can’t handle it. Maybe I am just an asshole but I mean DAMN if I can’t be real with someone then how are you supposed to know the truth about the things that are bothering someone that you are doing? Why is everyone in the world becoming so damn sensitive? What happened to the times when people could just be real and speak whats on their mind and the other person just listen?


Why am I sitting here typing on my laptop when I should be cuddled up with him. Taking advantage of the last few hours I have left here before I go home? I understand that you have your friends but they’ll be here when I leave. I WONT! Sometimes you have to pick and choose and right now I see what you’re priorities are. Its cool though I understand. But believe me that it’s not acceptable.

12.31.13

And so it begins…


2014
There’s so much that I can say that I want to happen this year, and so much that I know will not happen.
As of right now the relationship I’m in is in like a stand-still but we are still in the re-building stage I guess. I just hope that he realizes that I do not plan on wasting my time. 2014 I will turn 26 which means I have about 4 more years until I hope to start making my family. That is my for sure deadline and hopefully whoever im with can understand that. I will be done with school by the time im 30 and hopefully im stable and in the position to make that dream become a reality.

In 2014 I hope to begin my re-building process and move out of my mother’s home. In order for me to really succeed I need to learn how to survive on my own without the help of my mother. I am in all honesty scared because right now my money situation is not in the place I’d need it to be in order for me to move out. Hopefully by the time im ready I will have enough money saved to give me a little cushion. Also in my re-building process hopefully I learn enough about myself to where I can be truly happy and satisfied, because as of now I sometimes am not as happy as my peers and I know that has a lot to do with my internal thinking and the way I view things in life. Hopefully in this year I can stop focusing on the negative so much and focus on the positive.

Beginning 2014 I hope to gain a better understanding of the processes of my love life. I know that everyone moves at their one pace but id hope to not miss out on things. I hope I will not be in a long distance relationship for too much longer because at the end of the day I know how I am in relationships and I need that person here. We can only learn so much about someone over the phone and thru Skype and weekend visits. I would love for him to move here but that the same time I don’t want him to move here and move in with me and it not work out because we haven’t taken the time to really get to know each other and the way that the other works in everyday life. I know love conquers all but I also know how I am and that I easily irritate people sometimes on purpose and sometimes just by being me.

I just want 2014 to be a great year for me and for everyone around me at the same time. I know everyone says that but I really mean it. I will do everything in my power to make this dream become a reality. I’m not saying new year new me because I’m going to be the same me just a better version of myself. I’m just upgrading the processor to work better and faster than how it works now.

Well that’s all folks. See you next year.


2014 see you when I see you ��

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Confusion

How do you know when someone is the one??
For the past couple of months I've been giving one person all and I mean ALL of my attention and ive loved every minute of it. I love this person with all of my heart and I could honestly see myself being with this person for the rest of my life he means the world to me.

Now today an 'old flame'  you can call him called me and me and him have not talked in a couple months but ive really missed him and our conversations. It's crazy because its one of those relationships where its someone who you'd never see yourself with but they're exactly what you might need, he's just someone to make you laugh and  to just talk about nothing and we talk for hours  (until he falls asleep he's on east coast time).

Its just hard because I know who and  what I want but at the same time is it fair to be talkin  to them both?? I mean im not in a relationship with either of them I just feel like either way im cheating on someone. Lol maybe thats just the relationship lover in me. Ive never been one to just date ive always put  my eggs in one basket and that was it.

Its not that I have the same feelings for these two, its just two totally different feelings and it makes me anxious because its like I don't know which feelings I should go for. Do I go with 'the love of my life' or 'the one who is fresh and makes me feel all giddy' with both men I know they resect me and care one more than the other but its a possibility of two different relationships and now im confused.

How do females do this?? Im not the type to string men along I like to be upfront an  honest but id love to just be with both. They both bring out the best I just want to put them both together and id be in heaven.

Ugh wth  man this is dumb.

Friday, March 01, 2013

Fate

Where's my restart button??
I guess the saying:
"if you love someone let them go...if it's meant to be it will"
excuse me for chopping it up lol but I feel like this is directly applying to my life right now.
BUT! and there's always a but...
How do you know if it's real or just the freshness of rekindling something you once had all over again.

Right now I'm talking to someone who a couple of years ago I ended things with because I was afraid of three emotionsand feelings I had for him. I had come out of an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship and for about 9 months I stayed alone working on myself and my self esteem when this certain person came along and totally flipped my world upside down. So as our relationship grows my feelings grow which builds up my wall because I'm scared of putting my all into someone and they just use and abuse it against me. After realizing I had fell I'm love with person I got scared made a fought about nothing and ended it before things could get too serious but we remained I guess you can say friends.

Now I'm not saying our relationship was all cotton candy clouds and rainbows but he seemed so perfect for me that I got scared and hid from how I truly felt. I ended up moving home (I was out of state for school) because of it and we never spoke again.....

Until now

Now mind you it's been a couple of years since him and I have even talked to one another so I finally got the courage after snooping his Facebook and seeing that he was single to send him a request to see what was up I had no ulterior motives I just wanted to be friends because I missed him and I didn't even know of he would even want to talk to me.

Fast forward to today a couple months have gone by and we've been flirting back and forth kind of talking about the past and what happened in bursts but not all out and I feel like a kid in a candy store. I look for our good morning texts, our mid day texts, and then our random talks thought the day before bed. I enjoy talking about nothing and sending smiley faces back and forth. Everything about it arms so right so perfect for my life right now that I get scared. Maybe it's because I never stopped loving him and never had the courage to speak up about things, maybe it's because I've been looking for his replacement in guys I've talked to or maybe even because this is God telling me to speak up and go after what I want that he has planned this and this is what I need in my life. But whatever it is I'm happy I can honestly say I haven't been this happy in years.

But then there's more...lol
There's always a catch when it comes to happiness with me it seems. Me and this person don't even live in the same state granted its only a couple hours on the plane I'd rather it be a couple minutes down the street or around the way. Idk how to cope I want him and I to work I want to be with them I feel like this is the one but I've had these feelings before and my friends think I see too much of the good in people and what they can be because of the potential and that I don't focus on the reality of what's in my face at the time. How do I rewind the hands of time and just go back to when I was going to end things and just realize its ok to love again that ours ok to feel vulnerable around someone you care so much about. I feel like my present and my future would new so different if I'd just "man up" to my responsibilities and what I need as woman and what I deserve as a woman and just speak how I feel. I'm always telling people closed mouths don't get feed but I can't take my own advice. If I was a man things would be so much easier if pack my bags move to be with my love and we'd get married and have kids but life is never that simple.

I just feel as if I don't get things done this time I will lose out in something great and I don't want to have to live with that regret. Idk what to do what to say or who to listen to. My mind and my heart and on two different pages and I can't seem to get them to sync up to save my life.

But..

To my past, present and hopefully future...I love you...always have always will no matter what you are what keeps me going throughout the day you are what keeps me motivated to reach my goals and dreams in life
Me and you together

I wish you were reading this but I doubt you will be. If you are...I'm in this if you are...whatever it takes...

Cookie out

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Ticking Time Bomb

It's crazy that when a woman gets to a certain age that time bomb inside of us all starts ticking. Mine has been tick tocking in the back of my mind for a while especially since i made my goal of HOPEFULLY finding my true love before the age of 28 so that i could have my first child before i hit 30.

I know I'm young and all but something in me is saying YOU'RE READY! and it's yelling at me pretty loudly. Maybe it's the fact that I've started my career and I'm about to start a new journey in my life. But as each waking moment passes I feel the urge to settle down with that right someone and get married and start my family. I think I can handle *scratch that* I KNOW I can handle it.

I've always been the one to never date just to date or just have casual relationships. I was always the one looking to be with my significant other forever. I am the lover of all of my friends and i pride myself on always being honest with my heart and honest with other people's heart's as well. I am tired of just getting my hopes up thinking someone was "the one" and they just turn out to be a dud. I know all relationships come with a lesson you learn and what not but I think I've learned all the lessons I could and I'm ready to put them to use in my last and final relationship.

Every time I go to sleep I dream of my future. I see my wedding day, I see my husband minus the face but man is he one handsome chocolate glass of fine! and then I see us growing old and I see the happy faces of my children. So does that make me crazy or is that a sign telling me...YOU ARE READY FOR THIS? I just need to know I mean it would be great to know if I'm going crazy or if I'm just getting to that point in my life where things should be a lot more serious.